Metaphysical Warning Stickers

Evidently someone aboard the Brooklyn-bound subway train was feeling creative recently. Not to mention a touch dispirited.


Let's hope everything works out well for them in the long run.

So It Goes

Kurt Vonnegut's eight rules for writing a short story, culled from Bagombo Snuff Box - Uncollected Short Fiction:

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

4. Every sentence must do one of two things - reveal character or advance the action.

5. Start as close to the end as possible.

6. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them - in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Jumping Someone Else's Train

Police investigation in the Rockefeller Center subway station yesterday. The uptown F and V trains slowed to a crawl, diverted to other tracks for a stretch. As my train pulled through Rockefeller, I spotted yellow police tape blocking off an area of the platform and officers interrogating witnesses. But witnesses to what? A backlog of commuters squeezed into the train as the doors opened and it was difficult to make any sense of the doings in the station. When I reached home that evening I did some pointed googling but was unable to find any mention of the incident. Finally this afternoon the New York Post reported a (supposed) homeless man had jumped in front of the oncoming V train. Fortunately (or un-, depending on his intent) he landed in the trough and the train passed over him, leaving him relatively uninjured. Reportedly his parting word before the jump, addressed to a nearby woman, was a curt "bye."

Not sure why there was so little information on this in Internetland. When something irregular happens such as this, oughtn't there be somewhere you can look for the skinny? I recall walking past the Harvard Station in Cambridge one time several years ago and finding it swarming with firemen, the square clogged with fire engines and commotion. Obviously something noteworthy was going on, but there was no news whatsoever of it in any of the Boston papers or any websites that I could find. If something like that is going unreported, presumably to avoid alarming the public, it makes me question what else is being hushed up.

But What Happened to the Partridge?

There are a slew of historical landmarks in Manhattan, commemorating everything from presidents to punks. But one of my favorites has to be the plaque that signifies "Pear Tree Corner" on an unassuming little streetcorner on the Lower East Side.

In 1647, former New Amsterdam governor Peter Stuyvesant (sometimes known as "Pegleg Pete" after losing a leg in a sea battle with Spain over the island of Saint Martin) returned from a voyage to Holland with, of all things, a pear tree in his cargo. He affectionately planted this tree on his 62-acre estate, at what is now the northeast corner of East 13th Street and Third Avenue. The tree was fruitful for over two centuries as the landscape around it gradually transformed from farmland to city block, until one fateful day in 1857 when a horrendous horse-drawn carriage pile-up effectively sent it to that Great Garden in the sky.

By that time a small apothecary had opened on the corner, supplying medicinal herbs to the inhabitants of what was coming to be called the Lower East Side. Over the years the Brunswick Apotheke, as it was once called, evolved into Kiehl's Pharmacy.

In 1890, in an effort to preserve the memory of Dutch presence in Manhattan, the Holland Society affixed a plaque to the wall of the pharmacy, marking the spot where the tree had stood. Unfortunately the building fell into disrepair over the years, and in 1958 Kiehl's Pharmacy relocated up the street to more modern digs. The original building was slated for demolition and the plaque wound up at St Mark's Church in-the-Bowery, where Stuyvesant had been interred, since no one else seemed to want it.

But the story doesn't end there. A half-century later, with a sudden rekindling of interest in its roots, Kiehl's returned to its original, newly renovated location at Pear Tree Corner and promptly demanded the now quite weatherbeaten plaque be restored. Following a brief proprietary tug-of-war, mark and marker have now been reunited. See for yourself.

Pirates of Pynchon

I finally nabbed a copy of the new Pynchon novel. The man is pretty high up on my list of favorite writers ever (mostly due to the luminous Gravity's Rainbow), so I've been looking forward to plowing through the new one ever since reading Pynchon's very own penned blurb from Amazon. The Gilded Age, anarchists, World's Columbian Exposition, Nikola Tesla, Groucho Marx - all gathered in one Herculean tome. What's not to like?

I've noticed that nearly all the book reviews refer to the supposed "difficulty" of Pynchon's prose and the need to "decode" the text. Am I missing something here? Granted, Mason & Dixon was difficult to pick up, mostly due to the antiquated syntax (and physical weight). But Crying of Lot 49 and Vineland were not what I would term difficult reading. Even Gravity's Rainbow, which is pretty thematically challenging, is nowhere near on a par with, say, Finnegans Wake. So far in Against the Day I've encountered a boy's adventure yarn, a pulp detective story, a western, and a bit of Jules Verne-esque flight of fancy. Pynchon is a pretty smart fellow and his references are far and wide, but it's not all that different from when Family Guy references a scene from, say, mid-seventies Electric Company. Pynchon brings in events like the Michelson-Morley experiment with aether, which I vaguely remembered from a history class long ago. Things like that should not be so obscure as to stump book reviewers. Maybe the problem lies more in our standards of education. [Or more likely book reviewers don't want to spend the time on a 1,100 page novel when there's more cash involved in chugging through four 400 pagers.] Sure, there are plenty of mysteries to unravel for the unraveling-inclined, but it's also just a ripping good yarn. Reading Pynchon, to me, is reminiscent of teaching Einstein through Road Runner cartoons. A highly educational slapstick chase sequence. And how anyone could not relish a romp through Pynchon's universe is beyond me.

Then you have those who blame him for being large in scope. The canvas of his novels is a sprawling widescreen epic - that's what he does. It's a bit like blaming Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights for not being Van Gogh's Sunflower. Many reviewers complain that they wish Against the Day had been smaller and the storyline more concise. Again, like griping that Bosch's canvas is too busy and he should have concentrated on only a few of the figures. Finding fault with Pynchon for not being Agatha Christie is just irrelevant. And faulting ambition is just bad all round.

I tried reading Vineland and couldn't get into it for a number of reasons. But at least I took the book on its own terms instead of accusing it of not being a cookbook.

Anyhow, there's an Against the Day group read going on over at The Chumps of Choice, spearheaded by the esteemed Neddie Jingo. Worth investigating.

"Someone must have been telling lies about Joseph K..."

Apparently, due to Homeland Security policy, if you lose your wallet containing all your identification in New York & then head over to the DMV for a replacement ID you'll be told they can't help you without a social security card. Meanwhile at the social security office they'll inform you they can't do anything for you unless you have a valid photo ID. Yes, this did happen to an acquaintance of mine, & yes, he is caught in this predicament, & no, the automatons behind the counters at both offices do not seem to recognize the ludicrousness of the situation as they send him back & forth with straight faces.

Ha ha... ha.

On Location

Walking around the Village yesterday evening I ran into a film crew on practically every third block. There were crews assembling equipment on Hudson Street, MacDougal north of Bleecker, in Washington Square Park, & north of Tompkins Square. Whether these were individual film shoots or one big one, I couldn't tell. Maybe there's another Spiderman flick in the works.

Then I stopped in a bar called Hi Fi where a Dukes of Stratosphear album was spinning on the jukebox. When that ended it was replaced by something by Husker Du. The beer was two for the price of one.

A strange thing about New York is you can buy a brand new CD from Circuit City for less than a previously owned version from a used record store. I'm no economics whiz, but it seems like that sort of setup wouldn't last very long.

And finally, this new Firefox spellchecker is kinda nifty.

How to Be a Villain

Evil Laughs, Secret Lairs, Master Plans, and More!!!

Book Description
A delightfully evil gift, How to Be a Villain is a step-by-step guide to joining the forces of darkness. Because, though villains may never win, they sure have more fun, hatching master plans for world domination, smoothing their dastardly tights. Neil Zawacki answers all the most urgent questions: Should I go with a black or red theme? Do I invest in an army of winged monkeys or ninja warriors? And just where will I put the evil hideout? Whether readers choose to pursue a career as a Criminal Mastermind, Mad Scientist, Corporate Bastard, or just a Wanna-be Evil Genius, they are sure to find plenty of tips for jumpstarting any evil enterprise. Cheaper than attending the annual bad guy conference and way more fun than being good, How to Be a Villain is guaranteed to elicit deep-throated evil laughs across the land.

About the Author
Neil Zawacki is a California-based freelance writer who has long been interested in the plight of evil-doers. Generally considered to be quite villainous himself, he enjoys theater, literature, and world domination. James Dignan 's drawings have appeared in the New Yorker, the Wall Street Journal and magazines such as Vogue, Elle, and Marie Claire. He divides his evil-doing time between Australia and Europe.

[From Amazon]

Country, BlueGrass, and Blues (1973-2006)

Patti Smith led the final show at CBGB Sunday night, alongside Lenny Kaye, Flea, and Richard Lloyd. They performed a slew of vintage songs from the club's infamous past by the likes of Television, Blondie, the Dead Boys, the Ramones, & of course Smith herself.

I wasn't there for all of that, but did stop in the day before for one last look before another cultural landmark bit the dust. I don't understand how this sort of thing happens so often. Over rent, of course. It's usually about money. Imagine the rent on the Lincoln Memorial being raised impossibly high, forcing it to be shut down & turned into a Rite-Aid. Evidently no one along the line was willing to cut owner Hilly Kristal a break. He was unsuccessful in getting the club acknowledged as a historical landmark, despite the fact that the streetcorner up the block is celebrated in signage as Joey Ramone Place.

Still, those who refuse to mourn extensively have the right idea. If you cling to physical manifestations instead of the spirit which inhabited them you end up with fundamentalism. So it goes.

Plane Plane Against the Grain

I was sitting beside the open window of my Brooklyn apartment, a book sprawled across my lap, listening to the whistling breeze, the distant tinkle of an ice cream van, mothers picking their kids up from the school on the next block. The phone chirped. It was a friend from Boston asking if I was okay. Of course, why? Because it seems a plane had crashed into a building on the Upper East Side. I went up to the roof to glance Manhattan-wards to see what I could see, but I couldn't even spot the Empire State Building through the rainy haze that was settling over the city. Everything seemed so peaceful that it felt very isolating. For all I knew the entire island of Manhattan could be burning and it would take someone from Boston who had seen it on the news to inform me of it.

A Pigfoot and a Bottle of Beer

Last night The Moonlighters played one of the more intimate venues to see bands in Brooklyn — Barbes in Park Slope. Despite late night subway tomfoolery, I was able to catch the show. The Moonlighters' instrumentation is comprised of ukulele, guitar, slide steel guitar, and upright bass. Notably missing are any sign of drums, a point of which they are proud. Vocals are handled by Bliss Blood and Carla Murray. They specialize in covers of semi-obscure blues/jazz from the twenties and thirties, and originals which could be forgivably mistaken for stemming from that period as well.

They swing, they cook, they jive. Mike Neer is a monster on slide guitar, always melodic while darting in and out of the hectic rhythms. I don't think I heard him flub a single note. Bliss and Carla's voices meld together into a perfect velvety conspiracy. And Carla has great taste in hatwear.

Among their covers were a Bessie Smith tune, the standard "Moanin' Low," a few hobo tunes, and a racy number called "Hold Your Man" from the pre-Hays Code Gable-Harlow flick of the same name. They are able to smirk gently at the more antiquated views contained in some of the material they cover while reveling in its inherent joy. Great band.

When Constabulary Duty's To Be Done

There were a gaggle of police carousing around 53rd street this afternoon. They were stationed on every corner, directing traffic and harassing pushcart vendors. There were clusters in a plaza practicing some sort of drill. Down in the subway entrances a squad stood around imposingly beside an aggressive sign warning that bags were liable to be searched. As suspicious as I must have looked, I somehow made it past without my rucksack being violated.

I've no idea what was going on that required so much security. The Ford Motor Company were having some sort of shindig at a nearby hotel. MoMA had more barriers out front than usual. But this looked like a pretty large scale event — as if the Archduke Ferdinand was passing though town and trouble was expected.

The other day there was a parade of what might have been Shiners bearing a mannequin pope on a litter along Houston Street. They were trailed by a full-out marching band in matching t-shirts. Bringing up the rear, much like a caboose, was one of those squat white police buggies.

Maybe the two incidents are related.

War Prigs

Being in the midst of a history binge right now, I'm gradually reminded of the fact that, until fairly recently, nations treated warfare as general entertainment. The armies of Napoleon? What was their motivation for repeatedly attacking Russia and England other than it was something to do? The Spanish-American War seems to have fulfilled for the United States the same function as a good football rally. It's as though conquering territory was just a way to pass an afternoon. Also there was a masculinity factor—you just weren't a man until you'd stuck a bayonet through someone's face.

The First World War is the first example of Americans responding with "eh, let's keep out of this, shall we?" How Wilson eventually suckered the country into it I don't know, since we didn't stand to gain much by entering the fray. Yes, Germany was habitually firing torpedoes at our ships, but there were other ways around that than committing soldiers. Isolationism was again the predominant outlook in the early days of the Second World War, which all changed when the Pearl Harbor attack gave the public a thirst for revenge.

Since then the general attitude has been, if not pacifism, then at least a strong reluctance towards military involvement. Not by warhawk leaders, of course, but by the commonfolk. The ones who actually have to do the fighting. Seems to me that the introduction of radio and later television sapped a lot of the energy that once was expelled via warfare. As a culture we demand our movies and teevee shows chock full of violence. And, honestly, who in America doesn't enjoy a good twofisted bar brawl? Watch any two drunken buffed-up meatheads bump torsos on a Saturday night. Face it, we're a violent people on an individual level. But for some reason when we get into an international skirmish, young redblooded males aren't rushing the recruiting offices with the same vigor as they did during the Civil War. I'd like to think this indicates some form of moral evolution, but the pessimist in me suspects elsewise.

Burma Shave

In the mid 1920s, the American Safety Razor Company began posting sequential road signs all along the pre-interstate two lane roads advertising their Burma Shave shaving cream. The distinctive signs were red with white lettering, spaced about a hundred feet apart. Each contained a line of a humorous verse, while the last sign sported the Burma Shave slogan as punctuation. By the sixties these signs were being devoured by the colossal billboards so familiar to roadgoers today. The last Burma Shave sign was taken down in 1963.

Spring has sprung
The grass has riz
Where last year's
Careless drivers is
Burma Shave

Cautious rider
To her reckless dear
Let's have less bull
And lots more steer
Burma Shave

Unless your face
Is stinger free
You'd better let
Your honey be
Burma Shave

Proper distance
To him was bunk
They pulled him out
Of some guy's trunk
Burma Shave

A beard that's rough
And overgrown
Is better than
A chaperone
Burma Shave

The hobo lets
His whiskers sprout
It's trains—not girls
That he takes out
Burma Shave

We can't provide you
With a date
But we do supply
The best darn bait
Burma Shave

Heaven's latest
Neophyte
Signaled left
Then turned right
Burma Shave

To steal a kiss
He had the knack
But lacked the cheek
To get one back
Burma Shave

Why is it when
You try to pass
The guy in front
Goes twice as fast?
Burma Shave

She put a bullet
Thru his hat
But he's had
Closer shaves than that
Burma Shave

We're widely read
And often quoted
But it's shaves not signs
For which we're noted
Burma Shave

Around the curve
Lickety-split
Beautiful car
Wasn't it?
Burma Shave

Our fortune is
Your shaven face
It's our best
Advertising space
Burma Shave

If Crusoe'd kept
His chin more tidy
He might have found
A lady Friday
Burma Shave

The bearded devil
Is forced to dwell
In the only place
Where they don't sell
Burma Shave

"No, no," she said
To her bristly beau
"I'd rather
Eat the mistletoe"
Burma Shave

These signs are not
For laughs alone
The face they save
May be your own
Burma Shave

The hero was brave
And strong and willin'
She felt his chin—
Then wed the villain
Burma Shave

At intersections
Look each way
A harp sounds nice
But it's hard to play
Burma Shave

Car in ditch
Driver in tree
The moon was full
And so was he
Burma Shave

Passing school zone
Take it slow
Let our little
Shavers grow
Burma Shave

A peach looks good
With lots of fuzz
But man's no peach
And never was
Burma Shave

Don't take a curve
At 60 per
We hate to lose
A customer
Burma Shave

Don't lose your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it
Burma Shave

Violets are blue
Roses are pink
On graves of those
Who drive and drink
Burma Shave

My job is keeping
Faces clean
And nobody knows
De stubble I've seen
Burma Shave

He tried to cross
As fast train neared
Death didn't draft him
He volunteered
Burma Shave

Although insured
Remember, kiddo
They don't pay you
They pay your widow
Burma Shave

If you don't know
Whose signs these are
You haven't driven
Very far

The Man Who Was Thursday

"Are you the new recruit?" asked the invisible chief, who seemed to have heard all about it. "All right. You are engaged."

Syme, quite swept off his feet, made a feeble fight against this irrevocable phrase.

"I really have no experience," he began.

"No one has any experience," said the other, "of the battle of Armageddon."

"But I am really unfit —"

"You are willing, that is enough," said the unknown.

"Well, really," said Syme. "I don't know any profession of which mere willingness is the final test."

"I do," said the other — "martyrs. I am condemning you to death. Good day."

Honk

Whenever I find myself in midtown Madhattan, circumnavigating uncertain tourists on my way from the subway station to the library and back, the deadpan voice of Jim Jarmusch in Fishing With John repeatedly springs to mind: "Why am I here?"

The Beat Circus

The Fantastical Beat Circus show at Tonic, on the Lower East Side. Openers were the Circus' sibling band Alec & the Eyesores, followed by Brian Dewan, whose presence reminded me of David Lynch's eccentric sincerity. He ambled onstage dressed in khaki shorts and a green tie. Ordinarily he accompanies himself on electric zither but it had broken in transit, so tonight he backed his folk Americana on accordion & an electrified autoharp that was grafted onto an aluminum walker. He opened with "Kill For Peace" by the Fugs. Another of his tunes was about the invention of a robotic prosthetic appendage called "The Boston Arm." He finished his set with an enthusiastic medley of children's singalongs & playground taunts.

Now then, the mighty mighty Beat Circus. As usual they were joined by a few musical guests, notably Curtis Hasselbring from Golem on trombone & Julia Kent, formerly of Rasputina, on cello. Things kicked things off with a scraping rhythm on a washboard, and the audience was treated to a succession of subjects such as Deadwood saloons & Coney Island gangsters set to the tunes of Russian ballads, gypsy waltzes, drunken shanties, madcap twosteps, & of course their signature finale, the Kurt Weill-penned bootstomper, "Mandalay Song." Having been in the studio of late recording their followup album to Ringleader's Revolt, the band was in top form. I honestly have no idea why these guys aren't huge. Even those more conventional audience members who might squint oddly at the Nino Rota-on-a-killing-spree frenzy of the tunes must be amazed by the formidable musicianship of the band. Maybe it's just a matter of time. Until then at least we can take advantage of the lower ticket prices.

Revenge of the Bookeaters

Last Wednesday I went to the Revenge of the Bookeaters benefit for the 826 Writing Center. The show sold out at the lavish Beacon Theatre on the Upper West Side. I hadn't bought a ticket ahead of time & barely squeaked in with one of the last standing room only tickets. Appearing on the bill were Jon Stewart, David Byrne, Sarah Vowell, Dave Eggers, John Hodgeman (the PC in the Mac vs PC commercials), Sufjan Stevens, a singer named John Roderick, & surprise guest Eric Bogosian.

Sarah Vowell read an essay (apparently completed four hours earlier) about mapmaker Charles Preuss who accompanied Fremont & Kit Carson on their western expedition. He left behind a diary written in a voice not unlike Marvin the depressed robot from Hitchhiker's Guide. "I enjoyed nothing but the mosquitoes." "I wish I had a drink." Bogosian read Preuss' lines in a dour voice. Evidently Preuss returned to Washington after the expedition &, not long after, hanged himself. I've read Vowell's Assassination Vacation & enjoy her wry approach to the quirks of history. During intermission she plugged the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., which is the front for the 826 Writing Center in Park Slope. Apparently you enter the Center through a swiveling bookshelf. She demonstrated some of the items that can be purchased there, such as human-sized suction cups for scaling walls. Meanwhile Dave Eggers roamed the aisles, giving hugs to donators who had given over twenty dollars, as had been promised.

Eggers wasn't a particularly good public speaker, surprisingly. He was disjointed & ummed a lot. He introduced a slideshow explaining the Center & another showing the collage work of one of the Center's star pupils. My favorite was about a graham cracker & a peanut who had gotten married, & the author speculated on what its offspring would look like. I wasn't very familiar with Sufjan Stevens. I've heard patches of Illinois, but not enough to recognize anything when I heard it. His set was quite good, kind of quiet, switching between banjo, guitar, & piano. And he had an ace band backing him. I'll give his album more attention one of these days.

Jon Stewart was expectedly funny. He read from the forthcoming paperback edition of America (a Book), while the Daily Show producer played the part of the historian who went over the first edition of the book, noting errors. He told of army attorney Joseph Welch's famous attack on Senator McCarthy: "Have you no sense of decency, sir?" But according to Stewart what was less publicized was McCarthy's retaliation, which was: "Yes, I have a sense of decency, but I left it on your mother's nightstand." A very whitehaired David Byrne came on last & played a country set, including a few countrified Talking Heads tunes. He was joined for an encore by Sufjan Stevens, who seemed uncertain & nervous to be there. Maybe he didn't know the song well.

It was announced later that, aside from the money raised from ticket sales, they had made an additional $1500 just by passing a bucket around. Which goes to show how valuable Dave Eggers' hugs must be.

Jinn & Tonic

After my recent griping about limpid lounge jazz, I went to see Marc Ribot's Ceramic Dogs at Tonic on the Lower East Side. Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' about. Pure fire and vitriol. Something like Mahavishnu Orchestra in a knockdown streetfight with Velvet Underground. Ribot, whom I've admired ever since encountering his angular stylings on Tom Waits' Rain Dogs album, rocked back and forth practically bent double, whipping out the most tortured licks this side of Albert Ayler. The octopus on drums thwacked anything within sight, often using a drum synth (or something) to alter the pitch of the percussion as he played. The bass player alternated between bass guitar and low end moog that made bottles rattle in the back of the room. The colors in their crayon box included free jazz, heavy rock, funk, delicate ambience, Cuban, and out-and-out noise.

This was the first time I'd been to Tonic and I was impressed with the venue. A fairly good-sized room and no one around me chattered endlessly when they should've been listening. There was some first rate graffiti in the restroom as well.

Caffe Vivaldi

Went to see Stephanie Rearick at Caffe Vivaldi in the Village. It's a rather quaint little cafe/bar around the corner from Bleecker, which means it's out of the path of the hordes & therefore relatively quiet. Stephanie Rearick is a singer & pianist with a gorgeous voice & knack for playing multiple instruments at once. Her website makes mention of both Debussy & Joni Mitchell, which is about right. She also did a cover of a Leonard Cohen tune. She started out the show with an a capella performance, multitracking herself with a sampler & building up to practically a whole choir. When she started in on piano I wished I was sitting at a different angle to see the movements of her fingers because it sounded like she was executing some fancy Chico Marx maneuvers. Opening up for her was Marla Hansen, whom I recently saw play with the Inlets, strumming a viola like a surrogate ukulele & singing wispy ethereal tunes, some of which were covers that took a while to recognize because they were done with such a personal style. Unfortunately the waitresses kept walking back & forth in front of the stage & the front door was rather squeaky so whenever someone came in or out, it was a little disruptive.

I left during the next third act, which was a jazz trio. They were technically competent & all that, but modern lounge jazz just does nothing for me. It sounds so safe, especially with song titles like "Feeling Good" & "With Me." I don't want happy feelgood jazz. I'm not there to have a good time. I wanna hear bleeding souls being retched out. I wanna see Charlie Parker with a needle still dangling from an engorged vein stumbling off the bandstand. I wanna see rivulets of blood pouring from Coltrane's skull as he tackles a passage with every ounce of concentrated strength he can muster. I wanna see Monk summoning tormented ghosts from other worlds which only he can glimpse. Maybe I'm just old fashioned that way.

Sleeping With Your Head in the Fridge

The sweltering heat has slowed down my urban explorations. I've been spending a lot of time camped in front of the pathetic little window fan, trying to move as little as possible. Not even the rain seems capable of cooling things down.

Yesterday I walked by Gramercy Park - the only remaining park in New York that isn't open to the public. Residents in the immediate area are bestowed with a key to the garden, while the rest of us lurk woefully on the outside, peering through the fence with smudged faces. Actually it's not even that spectacular of a park. There are plenty of others scattered about the city that would do just as well. This one does contain a statue of Edwin Booth, esteemed Shakespearean actor. His brother, John Wilkes, earned some notoriety of his own. The townhouses on all sides of the park are lavish, & scraggly dressed vagabonds can expect to be glared at with suspicion.

Much preferable is The Ramble, a densely wooded area located deep within Central Park. Wooden bridges, still ponds, steep twisting paths, gurgling brooks, stone arches, a variety of birdlife - it's surprisingly easy to forget you're smack dab in the center of the largest city in America. That is, until you suddenly come around a bend & spot the gothic structures which line Central Park West looming over the treeline.

Art With a Capital F

Paid a buck to get into the Whitney Museum during their Friday evening "pay what you want" hours. Currently there is an exhibit of Edward Hopper on display on the fifth floor, & Hopper has always been one of my favorites, particularly his New York scenes. One of his paintings on display was the gloomy New York Movie, which I once used as desktop wallpaper. Another painting featured was Soir Bleu, which I used to think was early Picasso.

On the first floor was a smaller exhibit on Alexander Caulder's magnificent circus creations - animals & performers made of wire, cork, & debris. This was accompanied by a charming film showing the sculptures in action.

On another floor, however, were four paintings by a swindler named Ad Reinhardt. These four paintings were stark black canvases. Yes, minimal art. I had to listen to the audio feed for this one. A nasally voiced twit explained how it's not so much what is there but what isn't there that is important. I propose we take it one step further & have no canvases there at all. In fact, in three steps we can have no museum & really save the tax payers some cash. Once upon a time you didn't have to explain why art was good - you could just look at it & think "wow." Subject matter, degree of skill involved, etc. It just seems demeaning to have four black canvases hanging in the same building as Edward Hopper, toted as on an equal par. I googled this Ad Reinhardt charlatan only to learn these black canvases are primarily what he's known for. He's a "conceptual artist."

Alright, here we go. I'm going to write a great novel:

Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm

There, a conceptual masterpiece. I want that published by Scribners in hardcover & placed on the shelf alongside The Great Gatsby. I'll be expecting my Pulitzer by week's end.

Wise Men Fish Here

Early Thursday morning a drooling loony by the name of Tareyton Williams nabbed two cordless Sawzall power saws from a workbench at the Cathedral Parkway subway station, where some electricians were doing contract work. The power saws ended up in the chest of a 64 year old postal worker who was on his way through the turnstile. According to a witness the victim yelled "he's drilling me! he's drilling me!" After stealing the man's wallet, Williams dumped the saws into a trash barrel & escaped into Riverside Park. The police description for the suspect was "a thin man in his 30s, with earrings in both ears and possibly carrying a teddy bear." Two hours later Williams punched a guy who was out walking his dog, which led to his arrest. The moral of the story, I suppose, is if you are approached by a wildeyed man armed with a teddy bear & a power saw at three in the morning, best to keep away.

I can't help it. All I can imagine is the police surrounding the suspect, barking out "drop the teddy bear, sir!" Instead, the suspect puts a power saw to the bear's throat & cries out "don't make a move or the teddy bear gets it!" A taut standoff ensues. Jerry Bruckheimer purchases the film rights.

Stopped in at the Gotham Book Mart at its new location on 46th Street. Hadn't passed it before because I don't spend much time in midtown if I can help it. First is the famous "Wise Men Fish Here" sign hanging out front. Then there's the million & nine photos of authors that cover the walls. And then there are the books. Shelves upon shelves, from floor to ceiling, new & used, spilling everywhere. I found every book I thought to look up, in one edition or another. A book merchant was having a conversation with a customer about Robert Crumb. Another guy came in looking for 18th century Italian history, which evolved into a whole other conversation. Big name authors like Hemingway & Faulkner had designated sections. There was a whole rack devoted to James Joyce. The joint just reeked of tasty literature. I understand why places like Pig's Bottom, Wyoming need chain stores like Borders - they have no real alternative - but with stores like Gotham Book Mart & The Strand, I have no idea how the chains ever got their foot in the door of New York.

Red Hook

Red Hook, Brooklyn was once a bustling, gritty seaport. These days the ports are empty & the area has been severed from the rest of Brooklyn by the BQE. The streets are mournfully quiet. The buildings appear vacant even when they're not. The waterfront provides a picturesque view of lower Manhattan. Some holiday sportsmen were fishing off a pier, despite the sign warning that fish caught here might not be healthy to eat.

This is where HP Lovecraft lived & loathed so much he wrote a horror story about it. This is where Harlan Ellison joined a street gang to give himself something to write about. Red Hook also served as the setting for shady doings of Last Exit to Brooklyn. Not to mention the place just has a great name, like a pirate's claw dipped in blood. These days gentrification is thinking about settling in. Probably too far from the subway for a full-fledged takeover.

Saw the fireworks from a rooftop in Harlem. They were more distant than I expected. Very few people seemed to be taking advantage of the rooftops & maybe that's why. Lots of grilling being done on the streets below though. In Michigan, Fourth of July was more or less known as "hotdog day," not particularly associated with anything historic. Here on the east coast people take their Independence Day a bit more seriously. I felt a lot of tension on the streets and in the subways throughout the day, as though the city was anticipating trouble.

Ferry Dust

Alright, so apparently I didn't catch Jason Trachtenburg in his proper element. I'm supposed to see the Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players to understand what it's all about. A family trio traveling the countryside in a wacky van playing songs dedicated to old slides they pick up at estate sales & such things. Well okay, fine.

Took the ferry to Staten Island. Kept getting asked for directions by tourists. Evidently I look like a hardcore New Yorker. Staten Island was much more dull & suburban than I'd expected. I was hoping for lighthouses & nautical themes. Didn't see a single lighthouse though I understand there are some around. Didn't find the abandoned Women's Ward Pavilion of the Seaview Hospital either, though I wasn't looking very hard. Rode around on a bus trying to get a general gist of the island. Stopped for lunch at White Castle - don't laugh, I hadn't been there since I was about six & I was curious. Tasted like liquid hamburger. Plus there wasn't really anything else around.

Another feature of Staten Island is La Tourette Golf Course, which undoubtedly got its name from the obscene tirades of frustrated golfers. In old radio thrillers there always seemed to be a sinister beach house on Staten Island where our heroine is stalked by a mysterious assailant. I found no such sinister beach houses. Instead I found a lot of very un-sinister driveways with basketball hoops at one end.

Went to the Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden in Astoria with a comrade. A very Oktoberfestive atmosphere. It rained but we were dry under a tent so what did we care. Cheap pitchers of beer & kielbasa sausages. The last remaining biergarten in the New York area, or so they claim.

Getting a lot of reading done on the subways. Finished Middlesex, which I started in Boston but was interrupted. Now I'm delving into The Most of PG Wodehouse - which, being short stories, is of ideal subway length.

Forgotten NY is my new favorite website. A veritable treasure trove of history. I'm becoming obsessed with the idea of visiting the original City Hall subway station, with its chandeliers & vault lighting, though it has been closed to the public since 1998 for security purposes. Someday maybe.